May 17, 2020

Dear Mom,

This is Julie. 

I’m your daughter. 

I’m your oldest (that’s how you used to introduce me to the strangers at Kroger when I’d take you to the store to keep you safe from hitting someone with your car or safe from getting lost on the way home. 

I miss those trips to Kroger with the Beach Boys playing on Pandora Radio. We’d sing together songs you remembered long after you remembered why your car wasn’t in your garage. I’m the first one so I’m the one who made you a mom. 

And now you have no idea who I am or that you are even a mom at all. 

I miss you. 
You haven't remembered my name for almost a year, but I was a familiar face.
I loved how your face would light up when you saw me.

I worry about you. 

You didn’t want this dreaded disease, but we couldn’t stop it from taking you. 

You wanted us to promise when Grandma had it that we’d shoot you if you ever got it. You didn’t want us to suffer taking care of you. You didn’t want to suffer the way Grandma did. But we couldn’t shoot you. 

And now you sit. 

Alone.

In your room. 

In a wheelchair. 

I know you won’t understand this, but there’s a pandemic. A global virus. 

We moved you to Chesterwood Village so you and Dad could see each other every day. We moved you to separate apartments so you could have a break from his crap. Then the virus hit Ohio. 

I saw you on March 10. I had to sign in multiple times and assure them I didn’t have any symptoms of the virus, and hadn’t been out of the country. 

They closed Chesterwood Village to visitors the next day. 

A week later, they wouldn’t let Dad come see you. You were in separate zones and they needed to keep it that way in case the virus came to Chesterwood.

As of my writing this it hasn’t. The workers and families have kept you safe. Safe from COVID-19. 

But you had a wound. An open wound that needed antibiotics and a wound care nurse. 

Then you developed a UTI.

Then you were found on the floor, but appeared unhurt. If you were unhurt why can’t you put any weight on your left leg?  No one knows why so they sat you in a wheelchair.

They ran more tests and found the MRSA in your UTI. More antibiotics and isolation to keep the MRSA from spreading to others. 

This is not what you ever wanted,
to be alone in a room
in a wheelchair
unable to remember the ones who love you,
unable to remember you are a Mom. 

You loved to have us all together.
You loved being surrounded by your family.
You loved it so much that it was all you asked for your 70th birthday.
You wanted a family photo so everyone came to town to be together. 

You loved to have everyone home - your children and grandchildren, and oh how you loved your great grandson, Jonathan David. You talked about him to everyone you met. 

When you could still talk. 

When you could still remember. 

You have a great granddaughter, too, Mom. She will be one on Wednesday. She is so sweet. You’d love her to pieces.

If you could understand. 

If you weren’t alone.

In your room.

In a wheelchair. 

I miss you, Mom.

I love you.
I will remember for you, Mom.

The Opposite of Love is Fear

The Opposite of Love is Fear

The opposite of love is not hate. The opposite of love is fear. I first learned this in 2013 when I read Marianne Williamson's book A Return to Love. I know I've mentioned this book before, but I highly recommend it. It changed my life. It took me awhile to learn her lesson that fear is the opposite of love. I'm still learning it.  Think about when you are the least calm, what is causing it? It's usually fear. For me, when I am procrastinating, the reason is usually fear.  And perfectionism, but that's still a form of fear. When you are frustrated, stressed, or anxious, what's at the root of it? Fear. We fear the computer won't ever print, that we will be late for the meeting, and that our boss will think less of us. Fear. Fear. Fear.

Love is the opposite. When we know ourselves and love ourselves and accept ourselves, we know the the printer can be fixed or replaced. We know we will get to the meeting in time even if it was supposed to start 5 minutes ago. We know that we are an asset to our boss and our company regardless of what she thinks.
Fear paralyzes us. Love helps us flow.
Fear convinces us to procrastinate. Love takes leaps of faith.
Fear breaks our spirit with doubts, wonderings, and what ifs. Love opens doors with what ifs, wonderings, and dreams.
Fear keeps us home under the covers. Love has us giving acceptance speeches.
Fear has us celebrating New Years Eve alone. Love has us trying something new.

Am I making it sound like love is a synonym for courage? It's not, but it is an opening to what is and what can be. As a flower unfolds before the sun, a life unfolds in the presence of love.  Children who don't experience feeling loved by their parents, such as children of abuse, neglect, or poverty whose parents are working two jobs and not home much don't seem to unfold. They stay closed up and life happens to them. They are reactive rather than open. Attacking rather than receiving. They lack trust in others, especially adults.  Is this how you see yourself and your life?  How would you like to change that?  If your inner child needs some love, let me know.  I can show you a simple strategy you can use.

In 2016 there has been a lot of fear following our recent presidential election.  During the campaign things were said; fake news was taken as fact. Many aren't sure what is fake news and what is real. There is a lot of fear.  In less than a week our new President-Elect will take office.  In some the fear is escalating.  There is fear surrounding the inauguration, the cabinet senate hearings and the next four years. As a result there is a lot of anger in our country.  There is a lot of anger on social media.  I have seen some conservative-liberal smack downs that may be worthy of Jerry Springer. I've seen name calling and nasty innuendos.  We are acting like children.  Children who have little love in our lives, little hope, and little trust.  Why?  Self-righteousness is a sign of fear.  Why are you afraid of not being right?  Do you really care if you are right?  Would you rather be right or would you rather be happy? As for me, I'd rather be happy.  I've started walking away.  Sometimes I can't.  Sometimes I still roll my eyes, have to bite my tongue, or have to say something.  Sometimes I have to stir the pot and poke the bear.  But I am trying to be happy more and self-righteous less.

  When my own fears talk to me in the corners of my mind, I keep getting the same answer,  "Love is the opposite of fear.  Come from love not fear."  What does that look like to you?  To me that looks like dropping the mic as a friend said during a recent political discussion on Facebook. Sometimes you just have to walk away.  You can't change anyone's mind who doesn't want to change.  It doesn't mean try harder.  It means they aren't ready to hear you.  They aren't ready. Nope, they still aren't ready.   They aren't open.  Walk away.

Coming from love means learning to live by The Four Agreements.  This is another book I highly recommend.  Coming from love means learning to forgive. Everyone is just doing their best every day.  As Don Miguel Ruiz says in the book and below, our best will be different on different days. Remember that nothing others do is because of you.  It's always about them.  If they lash out at you angrily, instead of getting angry in return, just know there's something in them making them do that.  "Oh, that's just Miguel.  He forgets himself when he does that."  That doesn't mean you have to stick around for more of Miguel's abuse, but knowing you aren't the cause of it can give you the strength and peace to walk away and continue your happy journey.

Coming from love means choosing words of kindness toward others.  Are you a gossip?  Can you work on that?  Are you a complainer like I am?  Can you work on that?

Coming from love means choosing the rose colored glasses instead of the gray ones.  Coming from love means seeing the silver lining around the cloud.  Coming from love means focusing on the positive.  Some people fear if they focus on the positive they aren't seeing what's real.  You will.  Some fear if they focus on the puppy and kitten and baby pictures on social media they will miss out on major news stories.  You won't.  What you need to know comes to you.  Sometimes it comes in a conversation.  Sometimes it comes from your car radio.  Sometimes it comes from social media.  You will know what you need to know.  I've been doing this for three and a half years.  It works.  I am a happier person stepping away from the drama. I am a happier person finding the good in others instead of the weaknesses.  I am a happier person by choosing love over fear.  What will you choose?

The Golden Goose:  A Metaphor for Self Care

I was listening to Stephen Covey's audio-book of The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People in my car this month. Dr. Covey told the story of the Golden Goose.  The farmer discovered his goose had laid a golden egg.  With excitement, he sold the egg and became rich.  Each day the goose laid another golden egg.  The farmer grew increasingly rich with each golden egg.  Finally, the farmer grew impatient.  He wanted all of the golden eggs, and he wanted them now.  He killed the goose to get all of the golden eggs that were inside her.  There were none.  Yet, if he had let the goose live, he'd have had a golden egg every day.  Dr. Covey used this story to teach the difference between production (the golden egg) and production capability (the golden goose).  One day while I was listening to his book in my car, I had a different revelation.  

I was a little stressed because I was so very busy.  It was summer vacation from my full time elementary teaching job, but I had been asked to teach a summer workshop for teachers at a local university. The class had just started a week before, and my co-teacher and I hit the ground running.  We were meeting, checking assignments, answering questions, preparing lessons, getting everyone online, run, run, run.  

I already  know this about myself, that during times of stress or busyness, my self care decreases.  My house gets messy. The mail piles up instead of getting dealt with. I don't want to cook healthy foods; I just want to eat quick meals. I don't always exercise or take time to relax. I don't get enough sleep. But this was my summer vacation.  This was supposed to be my time of self care, self renewal, and rest from my full time job. This was bumping around in the back of my mind as I was listening to Stephen Covey's book.  He once again referenced the golden goose, and I had an aha moment! 

We are the golden goose!  If we take care of ourselves, we will get more golden eggs. If we get enough sleep, we will be more productive at work. If we eat right, we will have more energy. If we exercise, we will release some of the stress and feel calmer. If we take time to be with family and have fun, we will clear our minds and be able to solve problems when we return to them. 

On the other hand, if we don't take care of ourselves, if we give in to the stress and become workaholics, like I am apt to do, we don't get any golden eggs. Our health suffers.  Our relationships suffer. Our mood suffers. Our performance eventually suffers.  If we kill the goose, there are no golden eggs inside. 

We are the golden goose.  What can we do to take care of our golden goose?  How can we nurture the golden goose inside each of us to keep her alive so we will reap the benefits of the golden eggs?  What better time to figure this out than now? 

Weight/ Body Relationship

I was in yoga class. We were in an inversion (which means upside down¹). I was in an approximation of a shoulder stand (which means not quite there). Here’s what it’s supposed to look like according to www.auracacia.com . During my shoulder stand, my belly fat was falling forward and down towards my face in a way that tested my new resolve to make peace with that part of my body. As I lay there, breathing and trying not to notice the fat roll, just as I am right now trying not to notice that the model in this picture doesn’t have a fat roll in her face, I was reminded of my journey to peace with my body. 

I was a skinny kid. Really skinny. The pediatrician always told me and my mom that I was too thin, underweight. Well, it was the 70s and they didn’t know much about food allergies or food sensitivities. Parents didn’t know to fix kids foods they like in addition to getting them to try new things. I bet I was served peas once a week for 18 years. I figure I was served peas at least 884 times which means I was forced to eat them 884 times. Guess what? I am 884 times confident that I do NOT like peas. If you were fed your version of peas or pork chops or fish sticks or whatever gave you a headache as soon as you smelled it cooking, you’d be skinny, too.

When I got pregnant with my daughter, I said bye-bye skinny. Hello baby bump. No worries. With abstaining from snacking and doing aerobics 30 minutes M-F with Bodies in Motion with Gilad on ESPN, I lost all my baby fat during naptime the summer my daughter was one. He is such fun to watch and his show was filmed on the beach in Hawaii. Wouldn’t you tune in every day to work out, too?

But then life happens.  Your one-year-old gets older and stops napping.  You switch from second shift work to first shift work. I stopped spending time with Gil. The weight crept back on. In the 90s, I tried diets to stop gaining. The high carb, low/no fat diet did me in. I gained even more weight.  Here’s the thing. I loved my body the summer of 1986. Who wouldn’t love weighing 118? Weighing less than they did before getting pregnant? Less than they did in high school? Within 7 years I weighed 135 lbs. I thought I was fat.  Yes.  I really did.  I didn’t like my body.   

After the high carb diet in the 90s I gained another 30 lbs.  I knew I was fat.  Finally, a good friend got me to join Weight Watchers with her in January 2000.  It worked!  I loved my body every week when it gave up a pound or two. I doubted it when it gave up less than ½ pound that week. Heaven forbid if I stayed the same weight one week or even gained! I kept going. I got to my goal weight that summer. I felt good about myself. I kept journaling. I kept counting points. I thought I looked ok, but I missed my thin body of my early years. Three years later I was about 10 lbs. over goal when I got married. I was married for two years, and back to where I started Weight Watchers by the end of the marriage. Again, I was fat.   

Yes, I exercised, of course. I walked and did aerobics and Tae Bo tapes.  During the 2 years I was married I tried two new types of exercise: yoga and Jazzercise.  I liked them both.  I continued Jazzercise for years.  One of the Jazzercise instructors’ husband did personal training and ran a gym as a hobby evenings and weekends.  I started training with Bill in 2006.  My weight didn’t change, but wow I got strong!  I could bench press 120.  I could do over 100 pushups. I could leg press about 360.  My best running time in my life was during that time. I still remember it.  11:09 for 1 mile. Yep, I know, I won’t set any records with that, but it was MY record.  I was proud of it. 

Bill’s sister became a certified yoga instructor during that time. Kelly started teaching yoga at Bill’s gym once a week. I fell in love with yoga. But I still weighed the same. I was still fat.

Eventually I left Bill’s gym. He moved, I had surgery and needed 6 months off weight lifting. Now that I wasn’t working out as intensely, I gained weight.  In 2008 I learned I was allergic to wheat. Guess what?  Potato chips are gluten free! Did you know that you can eat an entire bag of potato chips while standing in front of your kitchen sink? Blink. They are gone. You ate them.  Crumbs and all. Boom. +10 pounds. 

Then I had a stressful school year.  I ate my way through it.  I ended the year at my lifetime high 50 pounds over my Weight Watchers goal. I was now obese according to the BMI charts. I was no longer allowed to buy potato chips.

In 2013 I read a life changing book A Return to Love by Marianne Williamson which led me to one of her other books, A Course in Weight Loss. One of the assignments in A Course in Weight Loss is to find pictures of yourself at the weight you want to be.  I went looking for photos.  I found one from when I weighed 135. (pictured right) Remember how I thought I was fat then? Well in 2013 I took one look at the photo and almost cried. I was so thin. How could I ever think I was fat?!? Then I found a photo from when I was working out with Bill. I was so toned and buff. The only other time I looked that fit was the spring I ran track in high school.  I thought I was huge, but I was so incredibly fit. (pictured left) Then there was a photo of me from the year before at my lifetime high weight.

I had tears. I could not believe the optical illusions. For 20 years I had beat myself up on a regular basis for being fat.  Twenty years of self-abuse. Twenty years of negative thoughts.  Twenty years of insanity. For what? An image in my mind that now didn’t even seem to be true?  Would I reach a higher weight and think this number wasn’t so bad?  Where I used to be while lifting weights was sounding pretty good right then.  I was so sorry for the 20 years of rejecting my body. I was so grateful to have had this light shine on this issue for me so I could see it clearly.  I had turned a corner. 

I realized something else about myself that same summer while I was at the mall with my sister. She was shopping in Crabtree and Evelyn. They have many wonderful products and many wonderful scents. As a migraine sufferer, I had to get out of there and quick!  So I stood outside the store while my sister shopped and chatted with the store clerks. A very thin young woman walked by. I remember noticing, “Wow, she is thin.” I didn’t compare her to myself. I just noticed. That’s when I realized a mental habit I had been unaware of.  I used to constantly compare myself and my size to others, every day, everywhere I went. 

“I’m thinner than her.”

“I’m fatter than her.”

“I’m about the same size as her.”

I had no idea I had been doing this all the time until that day outside Crabtree and Evelyn.  The way I noticed was that I WASN’T doing it. Hurray!!! I hadn’t been comparing people to myself lately. When I stopped being judgmental of others, I realized I had stopped being judgmental of myself.

I had stopped judging myself. Then and only then did the weight come off. I lost 10 pounds without changing diet or exercise.  I was actually exercising less and eating as much as I wanted (except those potato chips). 

A year later I met a nutritional therapy practitioner to help me with some issues caused by a childhood of antibiotics and undiagnosed food sensitivities.  She soon had me eating a balance of meat, vegetables and healthy fat (coconut or olive oil, slice of avocado, nuts, etc.) at each meal.  I lost more weight.  I am not counting points. I am not weighing and measuring my food.  I am just balancing my blood sugar, not eating processed foods or sugary treats.  I still weigh more than I‘d like.  I’d still like to get back to those numbers that seemed so heavy 10 years ago, but now I know the numbers don’t matter. 

Now that I’ve taken you through my journey, let’s go back to yoga class.  Now when the belly fat falls into my face during an inversion, I thank it. I thank my belly for digesting my food. I tell it I’m so sorry I hated it for so long. I tell it I love it.  And most of all, I don’t notice whether anyone else in yoga class has belly fat falling in their face like I do. I just accept my body for what it is. We both seem happier that way. 

     

  

¹An inversion basically means you are upside down.  This can be on your back with feet over your head or in a handstand or headstand. For more information click here https://www.ekhartyoga.com/blog/all-about-yoga-inversions

June 7, 2016 

Living the Dream

I just realized this morning in a moment of gratitude that I am living my dream. I don't remember the day this dream was born, but it was early in my career,  during student teaching I believe. I knew that I wanted to someday teach teachers. Then in 2009 I earned my Master's Degree from Miami University 's Ohio Writing Project (OWP). The National Writing Project believes in teachers teaching teachers.
Before I had even finished my Masters I was asked to co-teach a summer workshop with the amazing  Michelle Lavey. We've been friends ever since. Our class went so well, that two of our teacher participants have gone on to teach children's lit classes using the same text we chose.
Then in 2011 I was asked to co-teach a poetry class with another amazing teacher and writer.
This past school year I was asked to represent OWP in professional development in another school district. Because these were spread over 7 years, I hadn't recognized them as fulfillment of my dream, but they are.
Last week I again co-presented in another districabout content literacy (reading and writing strategies for science and social studies classes). Today I meet with the fabulous high school teacher I co-taught with to plan the hybrid class we will be teaching together next month for OWP. Today I realized, it doesn't matter if it isn't full time . . .yet, I'm living the dream! An attitude of gratitude really does make all the difference.

Spider Solitaire: A Metaphor for Life 

I've been playing Spider Solitaire for years - first on my desktop computer and then on my iPad. This year Spider Solitaire started a new game called the daily challenge. Every daily challenge is a "winning deal". You earn a crown by winning the game. If you've ever played Spider Solitaire you know that just because it's a winning deal, doesn't mean you'll win. 

Some of the daily challenge games are easy, and can be won the first try. Others take days or weeks for me to master. For example, the June 14th game. The only play to start is to move a black 3 onto a red 4, then deal another set. I played that hand multiple times on June 14th, and at least once a day since then. Today, July 2nd, I finally won the hand. Big deal, right? Right. But here's what I learned from playing Spider Solitaire, the secret to both the game and life. Perspective. Yep, perspective.

The way I win these difficult hands is I see a move I didn't see before. I start in a different place. I choose this 10 of spades instead of that one, opening up more moves. I have a different perspective.

How many times would this strategy help us at work? With our family? With a difficult sales clerk? On an 800 call where we just want to speak to a live representative? They say the definition of insanity is to do the same thing over and over expecting different results. I argue it's not always insanity. Sometimes it's just lack of seeing another way. 

We all know people that seem to be sandpaper to our journey. They slow us down. They make us reflect. They rub us the wrong way, over and over again. What if we saw them with a new perspective? What if we changed our game plan with them? Instead of being defensive and angry, what if we took a deep breath and reminded ourselves they are dealing with issues we know nothing about? What if we remind ourselves that their unhappiness and unpleasantness has absolutely nothing to do with us? That's right, nothing. As Don Miguel Ruiz says in his book The Four Agreements,"Whatever happens around you, don't take it personally... Nothing other people do is because of you. It is because of themselves."

If we remind ourselves of that over and over when dealing with difficult, rude, or insensitive people, we will see how the path opens up like a game of Spider Solitaire. The opening may be the path to improved communication with them. The path may be that we are less affected by them mentally and emotionally. What other perspective can we bring to the game?  What other moves can we make so the path to the win will open before us?  

What is Your Heart Whispering? Are You Doing It?

            What is Your Heart Whispering? Are You Doing It? 

I haven't been writing. I have been avoiding. I have been ignoring the whisper in my head.

This week the whisper took a different tack to reach me. I heard the whispers throughout my journey - in 4th grade, grad school, In Katrina Kittle's memoir class, then again in her Leap and the Net Will Appear class. I shushed them.  "Not me," I said,  "Why would anyone want to read what I write? What do I have to say that is important? or interesting? or funny? or new and unique?" 

I shushed them, and I kept busy.  I was sooo busy.  I was playing six games of Words with Friends, plus there's Facebook to check regularly, and work of course, and home projects, and housework, and errands, and family and friends to see, and exercise.  See?  Who has time to write?! The whisper answered me.  It listed some of my mentors, one by one. 

"Lester has time to write , and teach teachers, and travel around the country. 

"Jennifer published her first novel, and her second one is in final revisions.

"Katrina makes time to write. She schedules it on her calendar every day. It's an appointment with herself." 

I knew the whisper was right.  I had chatted with Katrina during both her memoir writing class and her Leap and the Net Will Appear class. We talked about the challenges of scheduling writing time when you are a teacher. Katrina wrote and published her first novel while teaching full time. During class one night she was kind enough to show me her calendar. She shared with me her strategy.  Yes, we have calendars on our smart phones now, but this is in ink. This she carries with her. This she refers to before scheduling plans. Hmmm. 

The whisper reminded me of this as I stained my deck this week.  Dip the brush into the stain, image of a planner came to mind.  Swish the brush back and forth along the deck, the conversation played in my head. I see the appointment "writing time" across the pages. Hmm. I think about it. I pull out my old Franklin planner, and search for refills online. 

The whisper wasn't finished with me yet.  Facebook started in on me next.  I saw memes about moving past fear.  I saw memes about stepping into your greatness and living the life you were meant to live.  I saw memes like this one from Spirit Science. 

There was more to my lesson. This week I realized that there are people in our lives:  family, friends,  coworkers, or even the man at the stop sign next to you, who are there to be mirrors, to teach us lessons about ourselves. This week, the mirrors showed me people who live in fear.  Fear of the unknown. Fear of change. Fear of doctors and medical tests. Fear so great it paralyzes making a life of loneliness and boredom. It was a sign. It was time. 

Right on cue, came a meeting with two friends at Panera. Somehow the conversation led to writing, to overcoming fear, and to this blog.  "Why aren't you blogging anymore?" one friend asked. 

I answered, "When I told a friend a few years ago about my blog, she asked, 'Why would you want to put yourself out there like that?'" I realized it as soon as I said it.  Fear.  My two friends verbalized it, "She tapped into a fear of yours."  

"What are you afraid of?"  We answered this question in Katrina's Leap and the Net Will Appear class. I am afraid of my genes.  My grandmother and my aunt had Alzheimer's. I don't want to run out of time to follow my dreams.  

That was it. I pulled up my blog right there at Panera and emailed it to myself to remind me to write when I got home. I've written every day since.  Today, now that my deck is finished, I went to Office Depot and bought a planner.  I wrote in writing times for every day this month. It's an appointment with myself that I will keep. 

And tomorrow I'm calling the music store to inquire about drum lessons. 

The whisper has turned to a smile.