Weight/ Body Relationship

I was in yoga class. We were in an inversion (which means upside down¹). I was in an approximation of a shoulder stand (which means not quite there). Here’s what it’s supposed to look like according to www.auracacia.com . During my shoulder stand, my belly fat was falling forward and down towards my face in a way that tested my new resolve to make peace with that part of my body. As I lay there, breathing and trying not to notice the fat roll, just as I am right now trying not to notice that the model in this picture doesn’t have a fat roll in her face, I was reminded of my journey to peace with my body. 

I was a skinny kid. Really skinny. The pediatrician always told me and my mom that I was too thin, underweight. Well, it was the 70s and they didn’t know much about food allergies or food sensitivities. Parents didn’t know to fix kids foods they like in addition to getting them to try new things. I bet I was served peas once a week for 18 years. I figure I was served peas at least 884 times which means I was forced to eat them 884 times. Guess what? I am 884 times confident that I do NOT like peas. If you were fed your version of peas or pork chops or fish sticks or whatever gave you a headache as soon as you smelled it cooking, you’d be skinny, too.

When I got pregnant with my daughter, I said bye-bye skinny. Hello baby bump. No worries. With abstaining from snacking and doing aerobics 30 minutes M-F with Bodies in Motion with Gilad on ESPN, I lost all my baby fat during naptime the summer my daughter was one. He is such fun to watch and his show was filmed on the beach in Hawaii. Wouldn’t you tune in every day to work out, too?

But then life happens.  Your one-year-old gets older and stops napping.  You switch from second shift work to first shift work. I stopped spending time with Gil. The weight crept back on. In the 90s, I tried diets to stop gaining. The high carb, low/no fat diet did me in. I gained even more weight.  Here’s the thing. I loved my body the summer of 1986. Who wouldn’t love weighing 118? Weighing less than they did before getting pregnant? Less than they did in high school? Within 7 years I weighed 135 lbs. I thought I was fat.  Yes.  I really did.  I didn’t like my body.   

After the high carb diet in the 90s I gained another 30 lbs.  I knew I was fat.  Finally, a good friend got me to join Weight Watchers with her in January 2000.  It worked!  I loved my body every week when it gave up a pound or two. I doubted it when it gave up less than ½ pound that week. Heaven forbid if I stayed the same weight one week or even gained! I kept going. I got to my goal weight that summer. I felt good about myself. I kept journaling. I kept counting points. I thought I looked ok, but I missed my thin body of my early years. Three years later I was about 10 lbs. over goal when I got married. I was married for two years, and back to where I started Weight Watchers by the end of the marriage. Again, I was fat.   

Yes, I exercised, of course. I walked and did aerobics and Tae Bo tapes.  During the 2 years I was married I tried two new types of exercise: yoga and Jazzercise.  I liked them both.  I continued Jazzercise for years.  One of the Jazzercise instructors’ husband did personal training and ran a gym as a hobby evenings and weekends.  I started training with Bill in 2006.  My weight didn’t change, but wow I got strong!  I could bench press 120.  I could do over 100 pushups. I could leg press about 360.  My best running time in my life was during that time. I still remember it.  11:09 for 1 mile. Yep, I know, I won’t set any records with that, but it was MY record.  I was proud of it. 

Bill’s sister became a certified yoga instructor during that time. Kelly started teaching yoga at Bill’s gym once a week. I fell in love with yoga. But I still weighed the same. I was still fat.

Eventually I left Bill’s gym. He moved, I had surgery and needed 6 months off weight lifting. Now that I wasn’t working out as intensely, I gained weight.  In 2008 I learned I was allergic to wheat. Guess what?  Potato chips are gluten free! Did you know that you can eat an entire bag of potato chips while standing in front of your kitchen sink? Blink. They are gone. You ate them.  Crumbs and all. Boom. +10 pounds. 

Then I had a stressful school year.  I ate my way through it.  I ended the year at my lifetime high 50 pounds over my Weight Watchers goal. I was now obese according to the BMI charts. I was no longer allowed to buy potato chips.

In 2013 I read a life changing book A Return to Love by Marianne Williamson which led me to one of her other books, A Course in Weight Loss. One of the assignments in A Course in Weight Loss is to find pictures of yourself at the weight you want to be.  I went looking for photos.  I found one from when I weighed 135. (pictured right) Remember how I thought I was fat then? Well in 2013 I took one look at the photo and almost cried. I was so thin. How could I ever think I was fat?!? Then I found a photo from when I was working out with Bill. I was so toned and buff. The only other time I looked that fit was the spring I ran track in high school.  I thought I was huge, but I was so incredibly fit. (pictured left) Then there was a photo of me from the year before at my lifetime high weight.

I had tears. I could not believe the optical illusions. For 20 years I had beat myself up on a regular basis for being fat.  Twenty years of self-abuse. Twenty years of negative thoughts.  Twenty years of insanity. For what? An image in my mind that now didn’t even seem to be true?  Would I reach a higher weight and think this number wasn’t so bad?  Where I used to be while lifting weights was sounding pretty good right then.  I was so sorry for the 20 years of rejecting my body. I was so grateful to have had this light shine on this issue for me so I could see it clearly.  I had turned a corner. 

I realized something else about myself that same summer while I was at the mall with my sister. She was shopping in Crabtree and Evelyn. They have many wonderful products and many wonderful scents. As a migraine sufferer, I had to get out of there and quick!  So I stood outside the store while my sister shopped and chatted with the store clerks. A very thin young woman walked by. I remember noticing, “Wow, she is thin.” I didn’t compare her to myself. I just noticed. That’s when I realized a mental habit I had been unaware of.  I used to constantly compare myself and my size to others, every day, everywhere I went. 

“I’m thinner than her.”

“I’m fatter than her.”

“I’m about the same size as her.”

I had no idea I had been doing this all the time until that day outside Crabtree and Evelyn.  The way I noticed was that I WASN’T doing it. Hurray!!! I hadn’t been comparing people to myself lately. When I stopped being judgmental of others, I realized I had stopped being judgmental of myself.

I had stopped judging myself. Then and only then did the weight come off. I lost 10 pounds without changing diet or exercise.  I was actually exercising less and eating as much as I wanted (except those potato chips). 

A year later I met a nutritional therapy practitioner to help me with some issues caused by a childhood of antibiotics and undiagnosed food sensitivities.  She soon had me eating a balance of meat, vegetables and healthy fat (coconut or olive oil, slice of avocado, nuts, etc.) at each meal.  I lost more weight.  I am not counting points. I am not weighing and measuring my food.  I am just balancing my blood sugar, not eating processed foods or sugary treats.  I still weigh more than I‘d like.  I’d still like to get back to those numbers that seemed so heavy 10 years ago, but now I know the numbers don’t matter. 

Now that I’ve taken you through my journey, let’s go back to yoga class.  Now when the belly fat falls into my face during an inversion, I thank it. I thank my belly for digesting my food. I tell it I’m so sorry I hated it for so long. I tell it I love it.  And most of all, I don’t notice whether anyone else in yoga class has belly fat falling in their face like I do. I just accept my body for what it is. We both seem happier that way. 

     

  

¹An inversion basically means you are upside down.  This can be on your back with feet over your head or in a handstand or headstand. For more information click here https://www.ekhartyoga.com/blog/all-about-yoga-inversions